I forgot how to feel. I’m pretty sure it isn’t normal, but truly, I forgot how to feel.
Remind me again what it feels like to feel.
I forgot how to feel. I’m pretty sure it isn’t normal, but truly, I forgot how to feel.
Remind me again what it feels like to feel.
“Do you know Shams?”
“Oh you mean the big, tall and loud girl? Yeah I know her.”
Big, tall and loud – that has become my identifier since I can ever remember. I grew up larger than most of my peers, and even as a child, I was bound to stand out from the rest. I never let it get to my head that the way I looked was more important than the person I am – that is until I hit puberty.
At thirteen, I grew a lot taller all of a sudden. My body developed way too quickly for my mind to adapt to. Boys and peer acceptance started to change the way I looked at myself. I was more conscious of my body, particularly how much I weigh and why I had a bigger built than my friends. I began hating the way I looked and starved my body of the nutrients I needed. For a short period of my adolescence, I kept a secret from everyone I knew – I was bulimic.
For a year, I coped with my parents’ divorce by vomiting out whatever I ate. I would not finish my food and run to the washroom after each meal on the pretext that my teeth hurt from my newly fixed braces. Truth is, I wanted to fit in and look like pretty like my skinny friends in school. I wanted a size 2 figure and long legs that never seem to end. I wanted to look like the models that graced magazine covers. I wanted a 24-inch waist so I could buy that pair of jeans everyone else in school had. I wanted to be everyone else but myself.
It was only when I realized that my bulimia was affecting my canoeing training that I stopped depriving my body of the nutrients and calories I need. I began focusing on my training and working out, supposedly losing weight the healthy way. At fifteen, I was at my fittest and slimmest. Then again, I still had people calling me fat, thick and big behind my back. And I still wasn’t happy.
Then at seventeen, I emotionally ate my way through junior college. I gained back all the weight I lost, with no regrets at all. Life was at a stand still through out the two years because I was just focusing on getting over with the A level exams. It was only when I was due to enter university at nineteen that I realized; I need to start taking care of myself.
I began loving my body by loving myself. I started treating my body like a temple (a mosque, if you prefer that analogy) and ate good food that no calories could be wasted on. Jamie Oliver keeps saying that if you want to eat, waste your calories only on good food made out of the freshest ingredients. I frequented the gym and did all sorts of sports activities from rock climbing, to Muay Thai to yoga. I challenged myself to push my physical limits by participating in marathons and scaling mountains. All I wanted to do was to be healthy and feel good.
The past five years has had its fair share of ups and downs. I have had former partners telling me I was too fat for their liking so they had to leave me. I have had aunts and uncles telling me I did not fit in with the rest of the family because I was too tall and big. I have gotten my heart broken by people I loved because I did not fit the mould they call love.
The truth is, we live in a superficial world. We lust over beautiful images and we yearn for things that are almost impossible for us to achieve. We want to be surrounded by things that are only captivating to the eyes. We want to look like celebrities and wear what they are wearing. We so badly want to be accepted by society.
It took a long time to love myself but I had to. I want to empower women who were facing the same struggles as me. I want to let other women know that they were not fighting this battle themselves. I want them to know that the way they look does not matter, nor does the size of their dress or the number on the scale.
It is their heart that matters.
“Take advantage of five matters before five other matters: your youth, before you become old; and your health, before you fall sick; and your richness, before you become poor; and your free time before you become busy; and your life, before your death.”
– Narrated by Ibn Abbas and reported by Al Hakim
Battling with body image issues may be your jihad and the test Allah has given you to heighten your faith in Him. Take that step to improve your health for the His sake so that you can use your time wisely to be a useful member of the ummah.
This goes out to my fellow big and beautiful sisters who may or may not be heartbroken simply because of the way they look:
“A woman is married for four reasons, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her piety. So you should marry the pious woman otherwise you will be losers.”
Narrated by Abu Huraira, in Sahih al-Bukhari & Muslim
Beauty is after all, in the eye of the beholder. Love yourself, and love will come to you, inshaAllah.
This article was first published on The Shawl Label’s Sisterhood Project.
Photographed by Noor Iskandar
The past ten months has been nothing short of freedom and independence to me. I enjoy the ability to pack up and leave for another country in an instant. I enjoy the flexibility of working on my own. And most of all, I enjoy the fact that I am alone responsible for my own happiness.
Recently, Singapore has been crowned Lonely Planet’s top travel destination for 2015. I stopped in my tracks to read the article on my phone to be sure that my eyes were not deceiving me. Yes, I sure do love my country, but what have I missed about my homeland that makes it a top destination for travelers from around the world?
I thought about what makes Singapore so attractive to foreigners. Some said it was the efficiency that impressed them, others loved how safe this country is and the rest just enjoyed Singapore’s little quirks. There was a New Yorker I met in Morocco who got so excited when I told him I am from Singapore, “Dude! Your subways are like fifty years into the future!”
Man sleeping on the job, Chefchaouen, Morocco, 2013
When I travel, I look for experiences that I cannot find in Singapore. I seek adventure. I seek the wilderness. I seek ruggedness. And most of all, I seek the country life. Perhaps I have always been the kampung girl at heart, preferring the outdoors to city skyscrapers and air-conditioned malls, and my idea of retirement is having a home with enough land for me to grow vegetables organically with love and a butcher who knows me by my name and choice of cut.
I love traveling in ruggedness, not having plans for the day and just sitting down somewhere with a drink and a book to read. I have been approached by fellow travelers asking me about my religion and why I chose to cover my head with the hijab. I make friends with people from all over the world and make it a point to keep in touch just in case I drop by their hometown in my future travels. I thrive on spontaneity and randomness – it makes me feel less guarded and wary, of which I usually am.
Angkor Wat, Siam Reap, Cambodia, 2014
Last year, I left Singapore for Europe without a job waiting for me back home. I wanted to do something crazy and bold. I wanted to know what it feels like to be invisible and not know what to expect. I left Singapore for a trip to open my heart and mind. I left Singapore without attaching my heart to anything, or anyone for that matter. I left Singapore knowing that there was a possibility I would not come back.
Brighton Beach, Victoria, Australia, 2014
In my pursuit to find myself, I realize I enjoyed being anonymous and not having any worry for the uncertainty that lies ahead of me. A friend once told me that this lack of worry is because of a heightened faith in God – like what they say, do not pray for God to make things easier for you, but pray for the strength so you can go through challenges better. When we travel, we learn to let fate take its course while we take a back seat. In essence, we accept whatever happens to us because God has already willed for it happen in our lives, anyways.
Halfway through my month-long trip, I broke down. I was missing my family. I missed my mother, my three cats, my sisters and brother. Most of all, I was missing my nieces and nephews a lot. When I got home after 28 days away, my room was filled with about a hundred balloons. My brother would probably kill me for telling the world about this but he blew each and every one of the balloons. I went over to my sister’s place with presents for my nieces and nephews only to be greeted with hugs, kisses, and fights as to who gets to sit on Aunty Ida’s lap.
My then four-year-old nephew Yan Yan looked me in the eye and asked me, “Where did you go for so long, Aunty Ida? Don’t you love me anymore?”
There are a million reasons for you to go away, but find one that keeps you coming back – I found mine.
Mia Familia, 2013
This article first appeared on The Shawl Label’s Sisterhood Project on http://www.theshawllabel.com.
I know of a girl whose parents parted ways and she cried all night listening to Pink’s Family Portrait. She woke up dizzy each morning but was always ready to put on a smile the second she left home. She drowned herself in school – studying and spending all her time with school activities. She avoided going home early, except for days she misses her cats. She seemed like a goody-two-shoes but she still got into trouble sometimes. She was always up to mischief but she charmed her way around others. She makes unintentional jokes while in the principal’s office and tries to crack some with her friends. To others, she was happy being a clown.
I know of a girl who was a victim of bullying. She was physically, mentally and emotionally abused. She woke up with her eyes swollen each morning but was always ready to put on a smile the second she left home. She developed a relationship with food, finding comfort in each bite she took. While her peers were dating or enjoying themselves, she read cookbooks in the school library, oftentimes going AWOL during classes she despised. She tries staying up in the classes she loved even though she would rather lie on the big couch in the corner of the school library. She found respite in sneaking food into the temple of books knowing for a fact the consequence of her actions. To others, she was happy doing things in the spur of the moment.
I know of a girl, who used to hate men, fall in love only to get her heart shattered. She woke up weak and with only enough appetite to get through the day. She gave the love she wanted hoping for it to be reciprocated. She was happy so she made beautiful food because she thought love deserves to be fed well. She stopped making magic the day love stopped loving her. To others, she deserves to be happy. To her, she was happy with love.
I know of a girl who finally broke free. She woke up smelling the roses and courage to get through the day. She gave life the love it deserves and learned that for her to be happy she had to love herself. For her to be happy she had to be grateful for what was served to her on a plate. For her to be happy she had to know her intentions for every single action she takes. For her to be happy she had to give up certain things and people she surrounded herself with. For her to be happy she had to always be grateful for everything that comes her way, even calamities that seem disastrous to others.For her to be happy she had to see a sunshine after every rain.
For her to be happy, she had to be free.
This is part of the Life Lessons series which is actually a weekly assignment for my class with Safinah Institute’s Life Lessons from the Big Screen. Inshallah I will be sharing my assignment write up weekly, if time permits. Hope you enjoy this piece!
Somehow, I cannot believe that a year has flew by yet again.
Apart from some failed New Year’s resolutions made at the end of last year, I think I pretty much nailed 2014. I started the year with only one thing in mind – do whatever I want. I thought to myself, while I still had no form of whatever commitments, I should adopt 2014 as my gap year to be responsible for my own happiness. Life is, after all, too short for disappointments. This past year, I chose my battles and made it a point for myself to choose gratitude over anything else.
In January, I loved and lost. I also got hired by Mini Monsters Ltd teaching little kids Malay speech and drama.
In February, I turned 24. I also worked on The 24 Hour Selfie which was released on my birthday itself. Never did I realise it impacted so many people when in actual fact I just needed to distract myself from heartbreak but at the same time learn to use my new lens.
In March, I officially launched my photography website where I dump all of my work for your viewing pleasure.
In April, I headed for my first overseas assignment Down Under, in Perth, with ISHQ by Nora Zee. I cannot stop thanking the bride, Sadiyah, as well as Nora for the wonderful opportunity. The amount of faith they had in me when I was still pretty much a noob. A short crash course by a new mentor certainly helped a lot with this assignment.
In May, I headed to Krabi with my mother. It was the first trip out of the country that I brought my mother to all on my own.
In June, I had assistants shooting with me and for me during wedding assignments. Kinda felt good to be a bit of a boss, I suppose?
In July, it was pretty much Ramadhan and Eid. And I had my darling Ikea and Harry Potter buddy Maisarah back in Singapore with me.
In August, I wrote this article on The Shawl Label.
In September, I went to KL for a food fiesta with my darling Shireen.
In October, I became a bridesmaid for the second time this year. This time it was my good friend Aisyah Manab aka Manab who got hitched to the love of her life. Photo credits to Abang Rizal from Tru My Lens.
In November, I travelled to Siam Reap, Cambodia with Nani. Turns out she’s an awesome travel partner. Now to find one for life. Haha.
In December, I’m packed for back to back weddings. So here’s a sneak from one of the weddings I shot.
I’m excited for 2015. Here’s to new adventures and exciting times ahead! Happy New Year everyone!!
I arrived home from work this afternoon with a throbbing migraine and pretty much puked my entire lunch out. I have gotten used to my erratic working hours and I’ve survived a few months of health so naturally today’s lack of productivity and day spent in bed came as a shock to me. I guess this is God’s way of telling me “Guuurrlll you’ve been so healthy and too happy here’s me reminding you life is short and unpredictable!”
Anyhoos, I got back from a short five-day trip to Cambodia with my good friend Nani last Thursday. It was pretty much a random trip we decided to go on. Besides, I could not have started November if I had not gone for the trip. Wedding season is back and I’m about to go crazy. As much as everyone else is off for their year-end holidays, I’m going to be stuck in sunny Singapura for the next five months. But I ain’t complaining. Come April 2015, another adventure awaits!
Nani and I enjoyed Siam Reap very much. It was laid back, chill and filled with loads of fun activities. The sunrise and sunset at Angkor Wat were beautiful. Gorgeous. Beyond amazing, I think. Perhaps it’s because I was on vacation that the sunrise looked extra beautiful. I mean, I would not have been bothered to wake up at 4am in Singapura to catch the sunrise. Unless… well unless someone dragged me.
You know, adulthood is biting me in the butt, especially when it comes to emotions. Matters of the heart is a painful thing to deal with as an adult. You win some, you lose some. Then there are major decisions you make in your life that determine pretty much the rest of your adult life. One wrong move and you’re out, sista. I really suck at blogging now but I think my photos are getting better. Meh. Enjoy them.
It’s day 9 of Ramadhan and somehow I’ve taken over my mum’s kitchen for good. I’m enjoying this gap year very much – taking photos, cooking, experimenting with new recipes, traveling – basically doing a lot of what I love. I’ve lasted seven months of freelancing thus far and life seems great right now. Alhamdulillah, the doors of rizq (wealth/earnings – there doesn’t seem to be an apt English word for it) are always open. I cannot thank Him enough for His bountiful blessings on me and my family.
I have been cooking a lot this Ramadhan, except for the days I am forced to iftar outside, I’m practically in the kitchen. It helps that HalalFoodHunt lets me hone my photography skills and develop recipes from the comforts of my home. If you’re wondering what this HalalFoodHunt is, click on it and check it out. You won’t regret it, well, unless you’re still fasting at this time of the day ’cause all you’ll see are food, food and more food.
This is my first time making this stew, and I’m pretty stoked by the results. I read up on a few recipes, mainly Jamie Oliver’s, Nigella as well as At Home with Magnolia Bakery. Since I’ve been under-utilizing my cookbooks, I forced myself to use the one from Magnolia Bakery. I altered the recipe here and there in terms of method but the ingredients are pretty much the same. The recipe calls for red wine but for obvious reasons, I switched it with chicken stock instead. I served the stew with some homemade focaccia bread and they were a hit with my mum and brother. Speaking of which, I think I’ll put up the recipe for the focaccia up soon.
Beef Stew (Adapted from At Home with Magnolia)
4 tablespoons olive oil
One large red onion, diced
Three shallots, finely sliced
Half a knob of garlic, chopped
300g premium beef, cubed
2 heap tablespoons of plain flour
1 tablespoon of paprika
Salt and pepper to taste
One carrot, diced
One celery stick, diced
One can of chopped pomodoro tomatoes
One tablespoon tomato paste
One cube of chicken stock
Three medium sized russet potatoes, cut into chunks
The past three months has been nothing but exciting and adventurous. I ended 2013 with a crazy trip to Europe and the possibility of a new start in life – a new job, a new love and a new Shams.
But 2014 began and it was just a new Shams.
I ditched the idea of getting full-time employment and got ditched by the almost new love. But there I was, standing alone as the new Shams. A Shams who embraces change and the fluidity of life. A Shams who understands whatever she plans is only subject to the plans of her Creator. A Shams who has only faith and faith alone to live her life. A Shams who is patient when she is being tested. And a Shams who tries her best to see the good in people – even those who had hurt her.
And everyday, I am learning more about this new Shams inside of me.
In life, you are either Rumi waiting for Shams to make an appearance in your life, or you are the Shams to someone else’s life.
That was what I learnt during the book club reading of Forty Rules of Love. I guess it’s just timely that I embody the true meaning of my name – Sun in the House. I’ll be the sun to someone else’s life even though at times I really wish I could seek shelter for myself.
Wheeler’s Yard is the new kid on the block with regards to Singapore’s new hipster cafe scene. I’m not too sure when this cafe opened but when I first stepped afoot there last month, I was blown away by its size, location and comfort. It’s actually a huge warehouse and the cafe functions as a bicycle shop as well. There’s plenty of space, so you don’t have to worry about not getting a seat or having to be on a waiting list. Parking lots, however, is limited so you might have to park your cars at the HDB parking nearby.
The first time I was at Wheeler’s Yard, I had the espresso shot. They didn’t have Americano (beats me why they didn’t have it on the menu), so I couldn’t judge the quality of the coffee fairly. When I cafe hop, I use the Americano as quality control. I do have to admit, the espresso was strong enough to keep me up a bit later than my usual bed time.
The menu, however, was very limited. You would think that a cafe with such an enormous space would have fancy and unique things on the menu, but not so for Wheeler’s Yard. The coffee menu was limited to espresso shots, latte and cappuccino. They do have umm a $4 milk on the menu, as well as hot chocolate and sodas and teas – oh not forgetting beers. The only food I had was the nachos, and I must say they do a darn good nacho.
As for the latte, I cannot say much because I have never been a fan of lattes, although latte art is beautiful. I didn’t want the espresso this time round so my friends and I went for the latte.
Did I mention the place is exceptionally beautiful for a pre-wedding or wedding photo shoot? The space, high ceilings and warehouse vibes certainly did inspire me.
Overall, I think Wheeler’s Yard is a great place for hanging out with friends, and just let the day pass by. I wouldn’t go back for coffee unless my friends do want to pay the place a visit.
Three weeks ago, I landed in (not so sunny) Singapore after a month of being away from home. I was miles away in Europe, getting lost and finding myself in countries I could not hold a decent conversation in. My Arabic was very rusty, I only knew 5 Spanish words, pretended to be able to speak French and pretty much got away with speaking any German. On top of that, I was traveling alone, meeting up with old friends and new friends along the way.
Before I procrastinate any further, I reckon it’s best I write this entry to help any of you wondering souls who are keen to take a giant leap of faith to travel solo. I’ve had the pleasure of being inspired by my fellow solo female travellers, mainly Atikah, Jumaiyah (a close friend and advisor) and Swani, my first couchsurfer back in August. Atikah and Jumaiyah travelled while on exchange and Swani stopped over in Singapore before she embarked on a 3 month backpacking trip in Indonesia. I never had the chance to go on exchange, so I asked myself, if not now, then when? I decided to leave my job, buy myself the tickets and went forth with the biggest adventure I’ve ever had. I started thinking about the trip in May, but only got around to actually planning it in late July and early August.
I decided on Morocco, Spain, France and Germany. 5 countries, 10 cities. I had a few friends asking me why didn’t I go to the Scandinavian countries or London. Well, I simply didn’t want to. That’s the fun in traveling alone. You get to make decisions without having to wait on other people. You get to learn how to make the best decisions based on advice you get. Best of all, you are anonymous when you’re traveling alone. I decided not to include the amount I spent on travel insurance, the baking courses I attended in Paris and the ridiculous amount I spent on food, or rather, desserts. It’s really amazing how my weight didn’t increase as much as I thought it would, but don’t get me started on my gym routine. I’m basically a weakling right now.
So below is my route. I started in Morocco and went north, so basically I was preparing my body for the climate adjustment. Morocco was aircon weather, not too cold and not too hot, but as I went further north, the cold was excruciating. Okay I may be exaggerating, but -3 degrees is bloody cold for someone who is named after the sun (Shams = sun in Arabic, get it? okay you don’t have to laugh).
Countries covered: Morocco, Spain, France, and Germany
Cities covered: Casablanca, Fez, Meknes, Chefchaouen, Tangiers, Marrakech, Seville, Granada, Paris, Berlin and Munich
Airfares and Transfers
Flight numero uno (SIN – DOH, DOH – CMN) – Qatar Airways $1565.20
So anyways, I decided to land and take a multi-city option with Qatar Airways. Yes, it is a bit pricey, almost twice the amount another blogger spent on her airfare. But I landed in Morocco. How many people can say that they’ve been to Africa? Okay so Morocco, Algeria and Tunisia aren’t really considered Africa, but they are in the African continent! I may have not fulfilled my lifetime ambition of living with a pride of lions but I did step my foot there, and I was a step (okay maybe millions of steps) closer to the big cats. Of course, I digress.
I bought my flight ticket in September during the NATAS travel fair from Chan Brothers. I could have bought my ticket directly from Qatar but the website was throwing a sissy fit. I went to NATAS to check out the deals and steal some ideas for my itinerary but I ended up making my own one. So I had the pleasure of Rachel from Chan Brothers to settle the tickets for me. She even made sure my layover in Doha was only 2 hours, since Doha has a reputation for long layovers.
The reason why my ticket was more expensive than usual is because I chose to land and leave at two different cities. Also, only two airlines landed in Casablanca – Emirates and Qatar. I landed in Casablanca and left Europe from Munich. I did not want to waste time and keep going back to the same city to transit to other cities. I was very OCD in that sense. Even my traveling route has to be organised. I would recommend you to think through where you want to land. Remember that some airport taxes are higher than others. It might be cheaper to land in a less desirable city if you really want to cut costs.
Flight numero dos (MAR – SVQ) – Ryanair $61.46
Yeap, your eyes do not deceive you. I spent that amount on my flight from Marrakech to Sevilla, Spain, inclusive of a checked in 15kg bag. Book early. I bought the ticket in September, right after I booked my flight to Casablanca.
Flight numero tres (SVQ – BVA) – Ryanair $77.36
I booked this ticket a day after I booked the previous one. Once again, book early. Ryanair tickets are cheap, you just have to make sure you don’t do a last minute booking.
Flight numero cuatro (CDG – TXL) – Lufthansa $88.37 This ticket was a flash deal! I was randomly going through Zuji and checking out the prices and decided that it’s the best deal as yet.
Miscellaneous costs – $150
This included train tickets in between cities in Morocco, bus fares from airports to city centres (which aren’t cheap by the way), metro tickets and bus tickets in between cities in Spain.
Find friends living abroad
In the midst of planning my trip, I found out that a few of my friends were going to be on exchange. I had the pleasure of their hospitality while traveling, and even managed to squeeze time to travel with Jannah, who was on exchange in Morocco. This certainly helped me in saving accommodation costs. To be honest, the friends I stayed with aren’t really the close ones, but they are the ones I would keep in contact with in years to come.
Need I tell you more about how awesome Couchsurfing is? I set up a profile sometime back and only became active when I welcomed Swani, my first Couchsurfer in August. I could have stayed with Swani in Paris since she moved there in November, but I decided to stay with another friend instead.
When I put up an ‘ad’ about going to Berlin, I received numerous invites but Mirjam and Martin’s invite was the most welcoming. They even mentioned that they live with their 2 cats, Leo and Krumel! Cats! Of course I had to say yes! I will write about my first couchsurfing experience later on so watch out for that.
Backpackers Hostels – $130
I was a lone traveller, so backpackers hostels were the best way for me to socialise and meet new people. I only stayed in hostels in Fez, Sevilla and Granada since I had a place to stay in the rest of the cities. I paid on average about SGD15 per night on the hostels, with breakfast included as well.
GRAND TOTAL = $2072.39
So there you go. It is possible to experience a trip of a lifetime on your own, for less than what you think you need. I have prepared an itinerary so if you’re keen on taking a look just drop me an email and I’ll send it over. For now, I need to sort my photos.